I have tried everything too, to no avail, things only get worse, not better. I want to separate from my wife of 49 years. As long as we had a steady job and didnt look like Shrek, shed settle for us. Even before this, she told me she does not want to nor have any desire for sex or intimacy with me or anyone. We use a great lubricant called Astroglide, to help things along, good stuff. Now I definitely feel more like the odd woman out after reading all those men complaining about lack of sex!I am 45 had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, so menopause was forced on me.I still feel like a horny B*** latina! I am free to masturbate without hiding it, just dont ask for sex, ever. Men are very simple to please. Sometimes I just want fuck all night long but the woman I love has no interest. He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. No intimacy!!! Its incredibly painful!!!! My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. Be a fuckin man. Both Men and women slow down there sex drive but women sex drive is so on the back burner and frankly they dont care about mens sex drive needs. I spoil her all the time. Isnt going to happen. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. It makes me feel sick. In most cases, Ive seen that men dont realize and acknowledge the needs of their wives. Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. Very few people in my club and I sincerely hope not many more people join, Mike G, I am afraid Buck is correct. My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. I spent 36 years with a man who I was never good enough for and now in a relationship with a man who loves me and is so kind. Thank you for sharing! Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and are concerned that my wife wont touch me sexually, youre not alone. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. Nowadays due to the requirement of Adult Mens Sex Toys, different kind of online retailer store like Lovecubby available for a variety of high-quality sex toys for men & women that everyone can love. Finally after 40yrs he tries to help and cares more now than at any point all the times before. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. Or make a deal with him, sounds very strong at 76. I couldnt relate to those feelings, but I was expected to understand them as a husband. Also add to the equation what is another possibility here: sexual coercion. you get it. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Im mid 50s married man who has ED and low T. I have always had a lower desire. , checking in with yourself is also good. Stay with it, work on it with her. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. That feeling lasts for several days afterwards. Most importantly, talk to her about it! My opinion only, so, most likely only worthy in my estimation. Is your husband on HRT as well? Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. The man in solitary pleasure can flavour his immediate physical sensation with the remembrance of shared pleasures, whereas the woman in giving but taking no pleasure in sex finds her memories of shared pleasure to be sullied. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? My career came to a halt after my illness, due to a stigma related to my heart problems and brain surgery. I suppose that his stomach, which is huge, the fact that he cant really get hard, and the fact that sex takes forever are some of the reasons why I no longer want to have sex. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Weve been in counseling for a year. I end up feeling bad about this as I think I should not be obsessing about it as she often says. Here's her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents. Its not that hes a bad person hes not but at this point hes kind of like a zombie. Shortly after, our daughter in law and our granddaughters moved out of state. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. Now, for the past several months, we go to bed together and after I have fallen asleep, he starts masterbating and the shaking of the bed awakens me. I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. For the writer of this letter/question . Over 12 years no sexual contact. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. Same here except I m 75 he is 80. I have no issues with my performance and dont need ED meds. All rights reserved. If you feel that my wife never initiates physical contact, you may be wondering if your marriage is doomed. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter. To me, that is emotional abuse. Ohh my! I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. . Im 15 years younger than my husband. He started blaming his medication but when I checked that out he moved on to another excuse. But dont you have a affair, to deal with that sex drive that Im ignoring. But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. Please go find someone else to enjoy sex with if you can. Hasnt been for decades. It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. and hugs when one of us leaves the house. We married late, were both 40, and our sex life was fantastic. She reached about 58 and went through late menopause which brought on vaginal dryness, solved with a doctor recommended lubricant. Take care. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. Its worth discussing with your doctor. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? Since I dont know your wife and I dont know anything about your conversational style or hers, I cant give you the magic words for getting the conversation started. However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. He needs to get his hormone levels tested as he is mostly estrogen dominant and low test. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring. 20yrs old. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. That leads to I dont like you. NOw he works well and Im proud of him for that. I completely recovered and had to start my own business to share in the household expenses. What to do about it: Make sure your wife has some time to herself to relax and feel restored. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. unless you feel he is better then nothing. Nothing has changed. If both parties dont want to change things (and only one does) then unfortunately the situation is probably doomed. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. Just as women receive and need emotional connection, men provide a different way of showing their connection to their woman. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. If you didnt leave before the first kid arrived, you were in for a life sentence. well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. Im 69 and still active. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer in older men and when the prostate is removed during surgery it makes a man totally impotent no erection, no ejaculation, no orgasm plus total incontinence which means the post cancer patient needs to wear Depends diapers for the rest of his life. He (so far) said no. Holy Cow, I have about had it. In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. Hi Theresa, I might even know you, you sound just like someone I know. Frankly Im tired of people pushing to try Testosterone replacement again. Very true! God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. I dont know why your husband would even want to be intimate with you, you sound like a harpy. Ive moved on!!! 10. * LEARN WHY DEFINING THESE VARIABLES IS IMPORTANT: Ive no where to go. We have been married 38 years, and we love each other very much. I demonstrate my love for her in so many ways, little notes, letters, flowers messages in song, other women including young women I work with say they would love to have someone who loves and respects their partner and relationship like I do. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. There is hope on the horizon. Im only 63 and Ive pretty much just given up. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. We know right form wrong. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. No way you are real!!! Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing! I actually considered early in my marriage that my husband might lean toward being gay and thats why he was somewhat uncomfortable having sex with me. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. Most women who go through postpartum depression also find it increasingly difficult to get physically involved. A little flirting, some sex, and shed start pushing for a ring. Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. Im 87 years young and my vibrator is busy. 60s, 70s. Emotional intimacy is a big factor in a happy marriage and a satisfying sex life. Are you a fit 55 year old woman with a high sex drive? I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. Many men and most women are connected through sexual intimacy. Still, feeling like your wife doesnt want sex anymore? But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. That last sentence got my attention. The last time we had sex with lubrication, she complained of pain and suggested that beyond a few minutes, she was not interested. Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. Well a few years ago sex began to get less and less. And there is another problem: When two people dont want the same things in the marriage or relationship (like trying to fix what is wrong), then there is often no solution other than plodding along as before. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. I understand women loss interest but still love there husbands and dont want a divorce and most of the time its the same for the guy, I just wish women would be open to their husbands having discreet affairs, not prostitutes just flings. My best friend. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade. . Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. Now its too late. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. When was the last time you went out on a date together? Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. Once the children appeared on the scene I would never have done anything that would risk us splitting up. Too bad, b/c I think Id be better for him than she could ever be. Want to continue the conversation? She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. I NEED an active partner. stop insultiing cats. Oh stfu. Gynecological conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, PCOD, uterine fibroids and pelvic pain can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. I was her first love. Not so in an egalitarian or woman-dominated marriage where she gets what she wants that always ends in dysfunction & misery. Soon thereafter, she lost interest altogether and would reject me, citing we would schedule a weekend session which never occurred. My wife and I now both sleep with settled stomachs (and I dont wake hungry in the night). She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. Youre doing them harm when refusing. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. He is always sitting alone. Go out and kill a hog, punch a younger guy in the face, ride a harley, do a steroid cycle. Ive been humiliated, rejected and told you can have love without sex, because, after all, cripples cant have sex but they still have love. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. She wants no part of it. Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. 2. State your case to your partners. /* Her duty? There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for ED. Seems like you do not really love your husband any more. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. Related Reading: How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? Well, its clearly only getting worse. Research shows that sexual communication was. Id never treat him as she does! Tell her that you love her. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! Whatever the case, do your best and work with your wife to restore that spark in your marriage. Holding on and hoping we can work it out, for now Im giving him space. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. Prostitutes are not a good option since all the bad stuff in the sex industry world and I feel that I am too old to move on and I am not a chick magnet. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. there is NO physical connection PLUS no sex. Ill keep this short, but I could write a short novel. I realize this rant may seem to be about my needs, but I think I deserve the right to a fulfilling life. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. Only you can decide if this is right for you. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. Is like 5 times a year.! I have asked her why she makes dinner for us even though she hates doing it, and she says its because she loves me. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. Lowered estrogen can also cause her libido to lag. There is only one person I love adore and desire. In the real world things are very different. Just be sensitive to what she's going through: If she's dealing with a significant illness or painful condition, for example, it may not be appropriate to push for more sex at this time. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. I dont masturbate much because I would prefer to be with her. As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. I think the resolve here is to tell the parent who is confiding in you to seek professional help, and then bud out. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. Once you've looked at yourself, talk to her and pay attention to how she's feeling. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. When I have a follow up, with a surgeon next month, even though it is not cancer, I will discuss wether or not I should give up the vaginal hormone. Your Wife Seems Uncomfortable When You Initiate Foreplay. My hubby is one happy camper. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. A lack of emotional connection can make it hard for women to establish physical intimacy, even with their own life partner. Its just torturing me for no reason. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? And the source of so many sleepless nights is that person who promised to love and honor us until death dobus part and who still possess a mouth and fingers and the ability to do just that. Im 54 and my husband and I enjoy each others company but he does not want to engage in physical affection or intimacy. They think they do, Men expect women to get hormone therapy to fix the hormone problem. Be loving. And I love doggie! I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. He is impotent due to hydrocele and he plans to have surgery until hes 65. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. Theres more to life than that, theres more to life than escapingtheres connecting deeper with your partner, taking more trips, spending more time together, learning more skills, building or supporting others together, getting involved in your communities more! Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. Hormones. Am I ugly? Im guessing because you are complaining that your 59 year old husband is fat, lazy, snores and is demanding is the reason you dont have sex anymore? In the room. I lived with her for a year after a very contentious divorce from the mother of my children who cheated. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? Im just sad and trying to figure things out. She apologies oh well. So my question to the men here. Sometimes I wish he would go. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. I hear ya Jose! As a socialite in many women sponsored events, I believe her marriage status is important in her social circle than her marriage itself. why is he grumpy? Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! I was disabled when she met me, so Im it cant be because of money. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. We lose ourselves. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. Just get out Stan. Thats great but what about the man? If they need get that only from you, so be it. I cannot believe that is wasnt suggested that the LWs wife work with a functional doctor who can work with plant based bio identical hormones that can probably increase her desire. When they stop they stop. This is when a person is so sensitive to touch that they try to avoid being touched by another person because of the pain it causes them. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. This kind of if the man would only be more __ advice saturates the internet and its usually written by people with degrees instead of wisdom. Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. She started the menopause change about 3 years ago, however sex prior to that was maybe every few months for probably 7 years. There are physical and emotion consequences to withholding sex from a partner. I love her to death but cant stand to be around her anymore. // IMPORTANT: Replace EXAMPLE with your forum shortname! Stan, I am 60, and my husband is 65. Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. That means you could wait forever for your wife to just want sex. First few years sex was great. Maybe not as often or intense, but more tender, Life is complicated and gets more complicated as we get older. Maybe you are the only one getting pleased and thats not fun. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. There are many exceptions, but if you dont want me let me go elsewhere. When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. I cant believe a respected Sex Therapist has Keep Masturbating as an answer. See the New York Times story, Does a More Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex?. The two C words! 16 years being married. I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. 35 Sweet Things To Say To Your Wife To Make Her Go Awww! She know eccatly what shes doing. Frustrated. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. Suffice it to say I got cut off when she started affairs with 3 other guys. I try to get used to it. Which now seems gone forever. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction ever since I started having sex at 15 back in the mid 1970s. What played in husband mind is that the wife do not care, do not want to have relationship, intimacy etc.