While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Funny How To Respond To WYD (What Are You Doing) Texts But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. LW here. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. How am I right now? I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. That would create some damage. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. men. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. I'm going to say this to my parents. Our relationship got better when I moved out. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. He sometimes vocally wonders why other teams and departments will go out of their way to help me with things but not him, and its because I respond to their small talk rather than shutting it down and gently rebuff social overtures rather than saying No, I dont want to get to know you better or similar. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. Thats my favorite response! And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! 1. Here are some fun things to do on weekends: Get Moving 1. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. Good enough. 1. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. I usually just say Im doing laundry. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? (via Shutterstock) 7. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. Them: What are you doing this weekend? What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. Im well aware of that risk. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. How Are You Doing? How to Introduce Yourself in English However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. Him: Good. I felt really connected to LW upon reading the letter! What works for you? Flip the question back on them. Just wow. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Yeah, I do the same. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. after Ive made my piece clear. So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. Fine, thanks, and you? You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Answer accordingly. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. what are you doing?. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. 4. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). So the reframing may help. that sounds fun! Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. Then match the sentences with the correct picture. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. THIS. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? I also (insert similar hobby or interest). (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. And because family members pitch in. The hubs and I do the same. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Me: Nope. Just ask! It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. what about this would a person take personally???? 1. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. Oh, surviving, surviving. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us.
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